Attraction

Using examples of what goes through our minds when we date somebody, this article explains social psychological principles taught in Social Psychology courses which may appear on the GRE Psychology test, as well as the Psychology section of the MCAT.

Just as our personality influences our behavior, we use our behavior to understand who we are as people. This is especially true when our understanding is weak or ambiguous, a principle known as Daryl Bem’s self-perception theory. Take for instance the man who believes all his ex girlfriends are crazy. Because of his experiences, he believes he's attracted to crazy women. He can't consciously come up with reasons why this is the case (what’s more ambiguous than why we are attracted to somebody?), and so he does the next best thing - he believes that since he keeps doing something, he must be drawn to it. In fact a third variable (in research methods, this is called a confound) may be at play - perhaps "crazy women" are more direct or passionate or adventurous.

So how can we make sense of why we want who we want? A simple answer can be found in the reciprocity hypothesis – we have a tendency to like people who like us, and this is applicable from romantic relationships to budding friendships to coworkers and neighbors. When it comes to attraction, however, the answer is significantly more complicated and many times, counterintuitive.

Aronson and Linder challenged the reciprocity hypothesis in their theory known as the gain-loss principle. Research supporting the gain-loss principle suggests that when somebody changes their opinion or attitude of us, we take it more personally than someone whose opinion of us consistent throughout. It is precisely this switch that can spark hours of obsessive thought. Attitude change is a common plot line in romantic comedies. It is intriguing to follow and there's an element of excitement. What makes attitude change so powerful?

Let's say Michael goes on three different dates. Jane and him get along and seem to like one another - he will like her a reasonable amount. Their short-lived romance eventually fizzles out. Next, Michael meets Natalia and it is clear the two dislike each other - he will participate in the mutual dislike. His third date, Maya, and him get along well - just as he did with Jane. Only three dates in, Maya changes her behavior towards him. She becomes cold, distant, and unresponsive. Maya's sudden coldness hurts far more than Natalia, who had been rude right off the bat. Michael is so bitter over Maya’s rejection that he suddenly hates her with the fire of a thousand suns. Maya's attitude change has deeply affected Michael - again, because attitude changes are felt more deeply than attitudes that are consistent all along.

Let’s probe deeper into Michael’s mind for a minute. It’s obvious that he is hurt by Maya’s behavior and is responding defensively. But Michael rationalizes his hatred of Maya – he doesn’t want to think of himself as an illogical person. A well-researched social psychology phenomenon termed attribution theory can be used to rationalize this hatred. Attribution theory research, specifically the fundamental attribution error, has found that we attribute other people’s behavior to who they are as a person (e.g. “Mark was late to his job interview because he doesn’t care enough about it”). On the other hand, especially when it comes to reflecting on our own bad behavior, we are likelier to consider outside influences (e.g. “I wasn’t late to the job interview because I don’t care, I was late because of traffic”). Maya’s rejection, the focus of Michael’s obsession, is now seen as indicative of who she is (e.g. “She has no communication ability, she could have told me what was wrong but she chose to cut me out like the merciless ice queen she is”). What about all the times that Michael slowly drifted away from the women he was involved with? Here, he remembers all of the outside influences or blames the woman (e.g. “The timing wasn’t right, I wasn’t too attracted to her”).

How about attitudes that change from negative to positive? They are also more profoundly felt than someone who is positive all along. Let's bring a new man into the equation - David. David has a colleague Reina he does not get along with - she is inconsiderate, annoying, and her sarcastic jokes hurt sometimes. Over time, however, Reina seems to take a liking to him - her sarcasm starts to look like flirtation and he gets the sense she is attracted to him. This attitude change is, too, felt deeply by David - Reina's crush on him is more powerful than a colleague who is consistently kind and flirtatious with him. 

Other theories that touch upon attraction in romance and otherwise are Fritz Heider’s balance theory, Stanley Schacter’s research on anxiety and affilitation (wanting a connection), social exchange theory, equity theory, and spatial proximity/the mere exposure hypothesis (see Robert Zajonc’s work)

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